Place Peace

I've been reading a book called "Restless" with a wonderful group of ladies. The chapter we read this week was about Places. 

Where are you? 

Are you supposed to be there? 

Am I supposed to live in the middle of nowhere with my husband, staying at home, and raising children? 

The answer, I've discovered, is a resounding yes.

I always had a desire to "go"! 

In college, I had the amazing and incredible opportunity to travel around the world. It was an experience I will never forget and it spawned a desire to go and see. A few months after I returned, I was scheduled to spend a semester at a University in Thailand. It was an exchange program that I was very excited about. However, a series of events occured that kept me from going. The month after I was scheduled to leave for Thailand, I met the man who would become my husband.

Instead of going to Thailand, I stayed in my current University and took a ceramics class where, lo and behold, I would meet the man with whom I would spend the rest of my life. It's quite romantic and little bit "Ghost" with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, but all in all, I'm so grateful for the events that kept me in America and lead me to my husband.

There are many people who are afraid to go and travel; to spend years in a foreign country. I was never one of those people. I wanted to travel! I wanted adventures in foreign lands! I wanted to meet people and get to know their cultures!

What I didn't want was to stay in one place and live a "boring", "culture less" life.  

I was afraid I would be called to...wifehood. 

Motherhood. 

 I was afraid my desire to travel would be railroaded with a calling to stay at home and be a wife and mother. That was before I realized the huge blessing of being a wife and mother. 

I have traveled the world, been skydiving in South Africa, had a snowball fight on the Great Wall of China, served orphans in India, played ball with kids in Mauritius, and seen countless more amazing things.

But, I will tell you, being a mother is one of the greatest, most rewarding things I have ever done.

Motherhood has taught me selflessness like NOTHING else I have ever encountered. It has tested my character with fire (disquised as children). It has given me great joy.  I am intensely blessed because of the life I live now. 

 God has had his hand in my life from day one. Blessing me with things for which I did not ask. I thought my life would have been better spent photographing wild adventures across the world. Little did I know, I'd be photographing wild children in my own backyard. 

Sometimes, we don't know what is truly best for our lives. 

We can have incredible experiences and experience life with richness and fullness no matter where we are. We have to be willing to open up and allow life to BE rich and full. And, let's not confuse full and rich with EASY either. Some of the most rewarding things come from struggles and pain. Come from hard work.

Having peace in our places is key. Critically evaluating where we are in life is so important. Being open to God sending us someplace (or keeping us somewhere) we aren't expecting, whether deeper into our homes or deep into Africa, is crucial to fully utilizing our potential WHEREVER we land.

So, I ask myself these questions and encourage you to ask them as well:

Am I being fully intentional where I am in life? In my job, my home, my circle of friends?

Am I using every day with purpose? Or am I just biding my time?

I am so thankful for the women in my life who have taught me to truly love being a wife and mother. Those women who want to live a full and rich life in their circumstances have inspired me to do the same.

I hope everyone reading this sees their life as intentional and meaningful. And if it doesn't appear to be so, that you begin to start your days with intention and meaning.

Let's not crave what someone else has, but instead, crave to have peace in our places.

Wishing everyone out there Place Peace and, of course, Hair Peace.

Pregnancy #3 Peace

So I generally feel a little uncomfortable writing about my pregnancies. But I have been asked multiple times why I don't blog about it. I usually don't have a good answer. I usually just say, "Everyone blogs about their pregnancies". 

While that may be true, as a doula I find myself reminding my clients that every pregnancy can be different. 

Eating my words is how I get nourishment through my days, especially while pregnant. 

 

So:

This pregnancy started like my others. 

Dizziness and shortness of breath. 

It's crazy really. Before the pregnancy test, before the other obvious pregnancy signs, I start getting short of breath. Like going from walking/running miles uphill both ways and smiling, to standing up from the couch and feeling like I need an inhaler. 

Why is that? 

I usually chock it up to my body trying to grow a human. 

Yep, that usually does it. 

I took a test that evening (which isn't the BEST time to take it) and saw a small shadow of a line. It was sooooo faint. I wasn't even excited because I was so unsure of the result. I decided to wait a few days and take another. 

SIDE NOTE: You can purchase pregnancy tests for 60 cents to $1 that measure the same hormone that the $25 tests measure. 

A few days later the line was still faint so I texted the picture to my partner in crime, Cecelia, to see what she thought. (I suppose my partner in crime should be my husband, but, if you know my husband, you'd know how silly he thinks I am with my "crimes".) 

She was very certain the line was positive, while I still remained in doubt. 

A week later the tables turned and she was the one uncertain about a faint line. :)

So I was pregnant. It was true. How was I so sure? 

A week later I couldn't keep food down. I couldn't keep water down. I was either pregnant or on the verge of death. 

Now, some women glow through pregnancy and seem to float in the clouds with tiny pink and blue baby clouds floating next to them. 

Not me.

Not a lot of moms I know. 

We tend to sink like a rock next to the porcelain throne only moving to roll to the couch. 

There's no floating here. 

I feel terrible for my family, especially my husband. Cooking is NOT an option. Laundry gets amazingly behind. Cleaning gets eliminated completely. Moving and breathing is hard enough.

This continues well beyond the magical *12 weeks* of which many books speak. I'm still battling the pukes at 23 weeks, just on a much smaller, less dramatic scale. 

I was thrilled to be pregnant. But I knew the first two trimesters would be hard with two munchkins running around. 

Now, I don't get worried about much during my pregnancies. I get sick, yes, but I know many women who have increased anxiety and depression while pregnant. Thankfully, I don't battle that. But there was one thing this pregnancy that had me rattled. 

This is the story:

I was at the doctor for my daughter's appointment (we see a family doctor who treats me as well as my children). I had been to see him the previous week for my OB appointment and had standard blood work done. My doctor finished my daughter's appointment and then looked at me kinda funny. He pulled out some papers and said he needed to tell me something that wasn't easy to talk about. 

I had an ultrasound the week before and I saw that my placenta was covering my cervix which, later in pregnancy is considered placenta previa and warrants a Caesarian section. (This is no longer a concern as the placenta is now a decent distance from the cervix) I figured this was what he was wanted to talk about. What he said next floored me. 

"You have tested positive for HIV."

......

.........

"I'm sorry, what?!"

"Because I know you and your lifestyle, we are going to do more tests. It came as quite a shock to me."

"I'm sorry, what?!"

As a monogamous, sober, stay at home mom, this was THE LAST thing I was expecting to hear. I'm not exactly in the high rick catagory and I was negative with my previous pregnancies. 

 I asked where I could have possibly gotten it. I do attend births and had possibly come in contact with fluids but none of my clients had been HIV positive as far as I knew. 

Toilet seat? 

The Ohio River?

 I was baffled. 

 He had me do more blood work and ordered a more extensive, comprehensive test. The results would be back in a few days. 

You can imagine all of the things going through my head. What did this mean for my life? My kids' lives? My husband's life? How did this happen? If I was negative for my other pregnancies, when did it happen? I even worried about how people would perceive me. 

After two days the doctor's office called to say that the new test had come back negative. They were unsure of why the first test came back positive. I can tell you, my relief could have been weighed on a scale. 

Just one more reason to be thankful for a healthy pregnancy. 

WHEW!

I often feel lazy and worthless during my pregnancies and struggle with inefficiency and how it affects my family and those around me. 

Many women workout daily, eat very well, and take their vitamins regularly during pregnancy. I usually watch those women with my feet up, eating a cheeseburger while my kids watch a movie.  

While I do actually understand the importance of exercise and nutrition during pregnancy, it's much harder to put into action. I do yoga and walk during my pregnancies and try to get veggies in where I can. But, I also do a lot of sitting and eating out. 

Pregnancy is a beast of its own. Unlike anything else I've ever known, including the flu. 

I am truly amazed at the human body's ability to create another human from two simple cells. I stand in awe of the Creator's intent for the uterus. The collaboration of a woman's body functions and the baby's growth and development. 

I am in love with the kicks and punches that come from my growing belly. Even when they are directed toward my ever full bladder. Or when they happen at night. I am not really one to complain about the baby keeping me up by kicking when I want to sleep. Obviously, the baby is not intentionally keeping me awake and those movements are crucial to development. I'm thankful. I'll place my hand on the baby and feel peace and relief knowing my baby is still moving and growing. 

Our sweet little boy is doing so much developing. I often have to remind myself, it's OKAY to rest when I'm tired. If I need to put on a movie for my kids while I rest on the couch, it's OKAY. If my options are nap or laundry, napping should be first. This body is made to nap. To rest. To rejuvenate. It's also made to eat! Yea food! 

At 23 weeks pregnant with #3, I reflect on my first pregnancy and I think...What was I thinking?!

Not about getting pregnant, but about not napping. Not going to the movies more. Not going on more dates with my husband. Not walking around stores by myself just because I could.

If you are pregnant with #1 while reading this, I encourage you to get a pedicure. Go to the movies. Go places that aren't kid friendly. Go on dates with your baby daddy! But most of all, nap. Nap, my sweet, pregnant friend. 

I just want to encourage all of you pregnant mamas out there to be kind to yourselves. Don't be too harsh with yourself if you aren't able to run marathons or eat perfectly everyday. Be gracious and thankful for all of the wonderful things happening in your body. 

If you are a soon-to-be-daddy reading this, be generous toward your baby mama. Most likely she's giving herself a hard enough time. And talk to your baby. It warms a mama's heart and familiarizes baby with your voice. (They can hear you!)

Wishing everyone out there pregnacy peace and...Hair Peace! 

(I don't have medical issues. My babies have been very healthy so far. I am really, really blessed. I am so thankful for the blessing to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It really seems like a luxury anymore. There are so many women who struggle physically and especially emotionally with infertility or loss. My heart breaks in as many ways as it can for these women. I admire them for their strength and stamina. I was told it would be very unlikely that I would ever have children so I have a glimpse in to how some of these moms may feel. However, I cannot fully understand the pain as I did, in fact, have children.)